Tuesday, January 25, 2011


"Smile, it aint that bad." said by numerous male customers everyday. I guess because I'm a girl I'm suppose to smile at men 24/7 for my whole life. Sorry guys, it's not that I won't, it's that I can't, it's impossible.

Sometimes I am smiling, not because I'm happy to see a customer, but maybe I heard a joke or saw something funny and what do I hear the next male customer say? They say "What are you smiling at?" Alright, so I can't win. I guess I'm suppose to smile on command.

Hmm but I don't get a higher pay rate if I smile or not, so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

So one day a car hit our sign

It was at least 9 months ago one rainy day when a car decided to take out our front sign. This sign has been standing in the same spot for at least 30 years now. Never cause anyone any problems, never hurt any one before. It use to stand about 30ish feet tall. It had 2 metal poles on either side holding up a big metal sheet that read '***** Liquors - Beer, Wine and Spirits' and then there was one of those sign boards that we would post some type of special going on.

It was a Tuesday morning, it was sort of warm out but the skies were full of rain. The sign was just standing there like it normally did, also the trash dumpster was minding it's own business, the boss' car was just sitting there all in it's normal parking spot when...

The store is located on a very busy highway, sort of sounded like a mac truck hitting a bump in the road. No one even looked out the window to see...until the guy who was sitting in his car in the parking lot came into the store and said "Um that's a mess out there." Wtf is this guy talking about, we look out and see our 2 legged sign is now down to 1 leg, the metal sheet is now waving in the wind across the busy highway hanging on by a few nails and screws, the boss' car's roof  is smashed  in and there's an unknown car sitting in the dumpster.

911, the local cops show up first, then the paramedics. The driver is fine and is walking around. The passenger isn't coming out, ugh turns out she wasn't wearing her seat beat so she got her leg caught under the dash board, her foot wasn't attached...sort of hanging. She was put on a stretcher and whisked away in an ambulance.

Nope, this guy wasn't drunk, he passed the breathalyzer test, and no, this guy wasn't trying to pull into our parking lot either. He claims he hydroplaned into the curb (which is 3 or 4 yards away from the road) and then went about 8-10 feet airborne into the sign, bounced off the boss' car and into the dumpster. It's just odd that someone would hydroplane somewhere where water doesn't collect on the road and also somehow not have control of a wheel to just hydroplane straight. The road is straight, odd indeed.

So anyway, we had to knock down the rest of the sign with the help of a friend of a friend's front-end loader. We heard later the lady with the hanging foot was ok, they put the foot back where it belonged. Yay for her! Then we also hear that the driver wants to try to sue us, lol he didn't because he couldn't. Oh and the driver wasn't the owner of the car, so some poor smuck who let their dumbass friend borrow his car has to pay for a new sign and also the boss' car (which was totaled by the way) and this guy doesn't even have a car of his own either now.

Well in my opinion the driver of the car was just an idiot and that's what caused him to hit the curb and go airborne. The guy didn't even try to hit the breaks, there were no tire marks on the road or the parking lot and also we didn't hear the squealing of wheels. Open and shut case, but whatever.

Since we knocked down the rest of the sign because it was a threat to highway, we'll have to build a whole new sign...BUT the town won't let us. Turns out there's new rules in town so the sign isn't allowed to be rebuilt on the same spot because there's talk of one day the highway might be widen to 3 lanes wide, which might be 50-100 years from now. So we have no sign. We rented one of those blinking arrow signs, that says real small "Welcome to ***** Liquors" in those letters that always fall out when it's windy.

So we are sign-less and yet people still sort of know we sell alcohol. Now we hear "You guys should put a sign out there or something!", "What happen to your sign???" or I over hear customers say to each other "I told you this was a liquor store." as they come in through the door.

Oh and in case anyone was worried the dumpster was fine, not a din or dent.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It's Snowing

Oh joy the snow is here, time to load up on beer and liquor to keep you warm while you are snowed in at home. It's just as important as milk, or maybe more important. Don't forget to play your lottery tickets too, you're numbers will most likely come out the night you don't play them.

Make sure to be extra rude to your liquor store clerks as they lock up tonight. If you see them in the parking lot cleaning off their cars, make sure to ask them if they can open the store back up just for you, because you deserve it... You almost killed a family of 5 to get to the liquor store, so they better be open when you get there.

If they say 'No' to your request to open the store back up, make sure to tell them they are assholes. After all being rude is the only thing that will get you what you deserve...

Sunday, January 9, 2011

How muh dis is?

AKA 'How much is this?' to people who know how to talk. I hear 'how muh dis is?' way too much. The only things in the store that don't wear a price sticker is beer and that's only because the coolers have the prices listed above each cooler door. Either look at the sticker or the list, it's really not hard to do.

There are the idiots who stand in the middle of the store and yell towards me things they want and before they go get, they want to know how much it is...  I find this rude because they are yelling, eirther walk closer towards me or go find out for yourself. Well I sure as shit don't know every price in the store. Ever since the invention of the computer I haven't had to memorize any prices and yes, sadly I worked here for about 4ish years without a scanner on the register and I knew all the prices of every beer in the store. It was insane knowledge to have.

Most of the time I hear 'how muh dis is?' as the person puts their stuff on the counter. Sometimes I ignore them until I'm finished ringing them up and then sometimes I say "Hmm maybe I should ring it up."

Since most of the customers have poor speech, I try to make a few feel at home by saying "Ya gotcha ID on ya?"

Saturday, January 8, 2011

A good customer, what the...?

Had a phone call from a guy that said he was in about 30 minutes ago and he believes I gave him $5 too much!! Well well what a nice guy! Congrats to you mister man, not everyone is as sweet as you. He then went on to say "I wanted to make sure you didn't get you into trouble or even fired over $5." OMG what a sweetheart for sure. I said to him "Oh thank you so much, you keep it, the worst that can happen is I'll be told about the shortage but I'll think I'll be ok, Thank you so much!" Then he said he would ask about it the next time he stopped in.

After a few minutes I remembered someone gave me 3 5's when they should of gave me only 2, maybe that was him, ah most likely it was him.

Friday, January 7, 2011

She wanted a 12-pack

It was 5 minutes to closing time, there where at least 6 people in my line ready to go, all I have to do is ring them up, take their money and throw them out the door and we can lock the door and leave our private hell behind us for another night. But it's not that easy, there's people who don't give a shit that I've been on my feet for 8 hours, they don't care about anyone but themselves and the alcohol they want to get. They sneak into the exit door as people who have paid are leaving. It's like a crack in a dam.

This one bitch pushed her way past exiting customers. I yelled to stop from wondering around the store "What do you want? We are closing." all while I'm ringing up 3 cases of beer for group of Mexicans men, with about 5 people behind them in line. The cooler boy runs up to block her from walking further into the store, she gave me dirty look, but the cooler boy well not let her pass, he says "What do you want, I can get it, we are closing now"
"I want a 12 pack of Smirnoff orange" she says
"We don't have 12 packs of that, we only have 6-packs" cooler boy says
"Can I get the 6-packs for a 12-pack price???" she yells
The cool boy doesn't know prices, but he knows we don't have any 12 packs of dumb ass flavors, so he looks at me to give her a price.
"No" I said "We don't carry any 12 packs of flavors so I can't give you a price for something that we don't even have."

She says something about that not being fair. I'm working on my line of people and don't pay attention to her. The cooler boy takes off to get her something. Finally almost done with these people, only 2 more people and then the bitch.

Cooler boy brings up 2 6-packs of Smirnoff orange. She's saying towards me "I'm getting a 12 pack price!" lol, good luck lady, I'm thinking

It's her turn, I hit the 2x and ring up a 6-pack. "That'll be $14.89"
"Is that the 12 pack price!?!?!?!" she yells
"Sure is, I made one just for you." not hardly, I just 2x that shit so she didn't see it ring up by the 6-pack price. She gives me a nasty look, so I yelled "YOU ARE WELCOME!" right in her face. No one else is left in the store, so that bitch was all alone, made a loud ass scene for the 5 minutes she wasn't alone that's for sure. "I'm suppose to get a 12pack price." she said quietly. All I did was laugh at that.

Dear Customers,

The world owes you nothing.

Yours Truly,
Liquor Store Clerk

Funky Dunky gets the band

Oh it was joyful day when one of our most smelliest regulars got the band from our store. We called him funky dunky because he always smelled like b.o.  and worked at dunkin doughnuts, he would always be wearing his work clothes. I hope he worked in the back, his smell made me gag.

He would always buy a big can of budweiser and then something like a bottle of mad dog or a 4pk of wine coolers. I always assumed he must be buying for random teenagers. If we looked outside at his car, sure enough there would be some other car sitting next to his with some teens in it. oh well, that would a $500 fine for him, not us.

Well he got his beer and a 5th of bacardi grand melon that day. Just so happened that I was outside at the time. I watched him put the 5th on the hood of his car, then he opened his car door and sat his fat ass down. Gravity took over and the 5th rolled off the hood and broke on the ground. I looked at him and rushed back in.

He comes in and gets another bottle of bacardi  and says the bag broke and his bottle fell out. Damn did he hate me when I said what really happened and its not our fault he is so stupid. He was shocked we were going to give him a replacement bottle, he took the bacardi 5th that was on the counter and said "ooh ook I understand, I'll put this back then." I watched him on the camera as he walked back to the rum isle and stopped to put the 5th in his pants. I got to yell "I see you, put the bottle down and get out!"

He said "I'm sorry." and I said "You can't come back here anymore."

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Lottery F that got kicked out

It takes a lot to be band from a liquor when you only play lottery, but he deserve it. Maybe 5 years it was. First off we have a staff of about 10 that can run the registers, we have a morning shift and a night shift. Our staff rotates around a lot to make things even for everyone. Anyway there was this one guy who would come in once a week, and he didn't come in on a certain day, just any old time he could. So he never saw the same girl time. He would go up the lottery machine and say "20 mega millions"
then pause
Meanwhile our machine is printing out the tickets
We then say "That's $20 please" while holding out his freshly printed tickets
and then he say "I wanted separate tickets." and make such an awful mean face.

Since no one can cancel these tickets we are stuck with them, so we get sort of mad too. He probably heard us say "You have to say you want them separate." a million times. But that doesn't matter to him because he is a LF.

So then it got to the point where he said once "You people are dumb."
He even got the "Sorry I'm not a mind reader" from me.

Finally one night a co-worker was reading the newspaper close to the lottery machine, our boss was sort of near by reading another part of the newspaper. The guy came in and said
"Oh you people can read? I thought you people where too dumb to read."
Our boss says "You can take your business somewhere else, I'm tired of you giving my staff a hard time."
He just put his head down and left the store, never to be seen again.

Oh what a happy day it was for us.

Mega Millions is worth 355 million...

Yes, I know. Why do you keep telling me like I don't know. I filled in the sign that says what's it worth. The only thing I'm grateful for is now all states have both Mega and Powerball. So this night wasn't as bad as those nights back in the day. Just a steady constant flow of the People Who Play When It's Big and of course the Office Players. The Lottery Noobs weren't even that bad to be honest. So I'm really liking that all states are same. Maybe the boss doesn't like it, but meh, he's not the one who would have to stand behind the lottery machine for 8 hours.

Back in the day those awful lines would form, they would wrapped around 3 isles, blocking the mixers, whiskey and rum isles. Our machine was so slow too, that once someone asked for 100 signal tickets and the guy working the machine told them 'no' because it would take 10 minutes to do that. He started to get mad, but my co-worker looked out to the line of people and said "This man want's 100 signal tickets, it'll take 10 minutes to do that, should he be allowed to do it?" lol, of course the whole crowd of people yelled "NO".

Monday, January 3, 2011

Raspy Guy

There's was a homeless guy that would come in everyday that we gave the nickname of 'Raspy', plain and simple reasoning of the guy had a raspy voice. For some reason or another Raspy took it upon himself to say he loved me and I was his favorite liquor store clerk.

Anywhoo, I would have to hide from him if we saw him approaching the store, if he saw me he would hang out and talk for hours. Even if I wasn't there he would hang out for at least 10 minutes too long. Sometimes it was hard to understand what he talking about because of his voice, which made his stay more pointless.

He disappeared for awhile and showed back up with a story of how his brother died and his mom was very sick. Then he was put in jail for causing a scene at the hospital.

The other day I stopped at a store and on his way of the same store was Raspy. Right away he saw me and said my name all happy. He looked totally different, haircut, shower, shave and he had glasses on his face. Since he was sober he didn't get pervy with me, instead he shook my hand and said "I've been sober for 90 days now today, it's good to see you."

Good for you Raspy, his voice was still awful but I was glad to see him sober and looking well.

Trust Me

Hello, I'm your friendly liquor store clerk, why do you not trust me? Bah, I have nothing to prove to you. Look at you, you are the buying alcohol, I'm the one who shouldn't trust you in my opinion. You are a stranger in my place of work.

I have never stolen money from anyone, nor do I care to. I grew up believing that you earn everything in your life. That if you want something you earn it, you don't take.

So when you hand me a twenty dollar bill, I'll do this I'll give it the 'is this money real money?' test touch between my fingers, while doing this I have found many bills that where stuck together and guess what? I'm going to hand you back the money that stuck to the twenty, because it's not mine, it's yours, take it back.

When you hand me a dollar too much in your pile of bills, I also give that back to you and say "OOps a dollar too much."

If you hand me a lottery ticket and tell me to check it, I check it, if it's a winner I'll say "You won blah blah." If your ticket is a loser I'll say "Nope nothing, do you want it back?" If you say you don't want it back I make sure you see me rip it up throw it away.

Trust me, I'm not out to get you.

I like how when I hand most of you too much change or maybe I've handed you a dollar too much back nothing is said. But if you are missing a nickel you let me know?

Did you know that while I count your change I leave the amount you gave me on top of the drawer and I do not put it away until you have looked at your change and turn to leave? I bet you didn't. I do that so you can say "I gave you a twenty" and then I can say "Nope, you gave this here ten" and then I show you it.

Now there are a few really good people out there. Once a man came back in because one of his ten dollar bills had another ten stuck to it. A few people will give back too much change or that extra dollar, but doesn't happen a lot. What happens more is a person leaving and then coming back later that day and claim they gave me a fifty dollar bill but only got back change for a twenty.

Lottery F's

There are many different types of Lottery players, but Lottery Fucks are the worst by far. Here are the different types of Lottery players

  • Everdayer - will play everyday, I might even have their numbers memorized.
  • Plays when it's big - they don't know what they want but they want it all, they only play Mega Millions or Powerball
  • Lottery Noob - they have no idea and I don't want to spend 3 hours explaining to them. Even simple things like a scratch-off where all you have to do is match 3 like symbols is too much for them to handle. They also think they should pick their own numbers but don't know how or what numbers are....
  • Easy Going - these people are very easy going and will even wait patiently to be waited on. Some people have bad habit of thinking the lottery is our main line of business
  • Has their own cards under counter - They play the same numbers over and over again, so many times we are sick of typing them in so we filled out cards for them
  • Card People - I love you guys, so easy to just run cards, nothing can go wrong
  • Scatchy - these people are annoying, some can even go under the  LF category. They buy 1 or 3 scratch-off tickets and stand at the counter to scratch them. Then buy more, scratch more, buy more, win something, spend it all on scratch-offs, stand in the way, buy more and repeat. They make a mess with that starch-off dust all over the counter and floor. 
  • Office Player - they come in with a wide of dollar bills and a list of names, sometimes they have 20 cards filled out but only have one play on each card
  • Lottery Fucks or LF's - complete and total assholes. They take too long, they are never ready, they are never done, they play everyday, sometimes midday and evening numbers but come in twice just in case one of their numbers hit the midday, they spend too much money on stupid numbers, they believe they have a system or know some type of number secret. They are full of themselves and feel it's just to be waited on first instead of someone buying liquor. They can't wait but are not ready... They can play up to $10 of numbers to a million, the amount of money they spend isn't what classifies them as a LF, it's the amount of time they waste of my life and others in line that makes them a LF. They always claim I typed in a wrong number or did something wrong because I must be out to get their money. I hate you.
  • Poor LF's - they will claim I typed in a number wrong to get a refund and play a totally different number, usually they are just LF's
Ok so everyone hates LF's, so to cheer us up when one of them comes in we hum a little song that goes like this
"Lottery Fucks, Lottery Fucks
They ruin your dinner, They ruin your lunch"
It's in the tune of that old Kit Kat commercial, that goes 'Give me a break, Give me a break of that kit kat bar!' Never fails, when ever my order of a nice hot pizza arrives here comes a LF to waste 30+ minutes of my life and my pizza gets cold.

Do you call your local liquor store and ask for the most recent lottery numbers? If you said "yes of course, there isn't any other way in the whole wide world to get these numbers." Well you are a dumb ass, you can look it up online, call the lottery's auto phone line of recent numbers, watch the drawing on tv, watch the news, read a newspaper, stuff your head up your ass. Any of those ways are better then calling a store to ask a stupid question and waste our lives.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Credit or Debit?

Why did the person who invented the word 'debit' name it that? It should be something completely  different sounding than it's partner 'credit'. When I ask which you want half the time I can't hear your answer with people on their cell phone, people singing in the store, kids wanting candy, and the lottery fucks rambling off their numbers.

It's really not your fault, but please speak up. I will run your card through the a way you don't like it because I don't like repeating myself. I'm not the one whispering like it's a secret.

Older people usually have no idea what credit or debit is. Yes, I can clearly see that you have bank card and it has a Visa or MasterCard symbol on it, I see the name of your bank and also the word Debit. Just because those visa or MasterCard symbol is on your card does NOT make it a credit card. You will not get a bill at the end of the month where you can choose to pay a little or all, instead it'll come right out of you bank account. Why am I'm explaining this to you? Don't you have a bank you go to where people should be talking to you about this?

OMG does your bank charge you for using debit? OMG that is shocking! ....no not really, please stop talking about how much you hate your current bank.

We have an a credit card machine sort of like this one
You can't run it through yourself like at those fancy grocery stores or Walmart. There's a pin pad for debit users located on the counter close to your right for your convenience. If you want credit and like to whisper it, DO NOT stand in front of the pin pad like you want to enter your pin number.

Now when you hand me your card I am going to hold onto your card until the piece of paper that says "Approved" pops out. There's very good reasons for me to hold onto your card
  1.  Sometimes our phone line will disconnect the transaction and I'll have to enter it again. I promise I'm not charging you twice, it's always been this way since the beginning of time. It's easier for me to run it again when it's in MY hand, rather then asking to see your card again that you already put away and also to take the time to tell you about how it disconnected.
  2. If I handed you your card back right away you might pick up your stuff and leave. I still need you sign. I still need to make sure it was approved. It might disconnect the transaction.
  3. I'm suppose to check to make sure this card is yours. I look at the back while you sign your slip to confirm the signature is sort of close.
Oh but your afraid I'll forget to give you back your card? Well out of my 11+ plus years of doing this job I've only forgotten twice out of millions of billions of transactions and both those times I can blame you - You wondered off before the 'approved' paper popped out.

I hold your card in my hand the whole time, it helps me to rip the paper slip off the machine in one clean sweep. You can hold your hand out the whole time, I don't care. If you asked for your card back, I'll say "In a moment, I'm not done with it."

When you hand me your card do not look around for something else to buy, your card is in progressed of being charged. I can't add stuff to a transaction already in progress. And NO I will not run your card again for a 25 cent slim jim or a pack of gum. You must spend at least $2 for me to slide your card.

C.I.D or Ask for ID is what some people write on the back of their cards. If this is you, why do you roll your eyes when I ask for you id? You put it there. And why do some of you, you won't hand me your id, you hold it out but you don't let me touch it. I'm lucky to have 20/20 vision, but please either hold it closer to where my eyes are on level or just hand me your ID. I don't want to keep it or get it dirty, I promise. I'm just trying to match the name on the card to your ID, that's what you want right?

Signature on the back of your card is blank. Hey did you know that I can refuse your card because of that? It says it right under that white box on you card 'not valid until signed'. Oh boy, I bet someone would love to find your card, they can sign it anyway they want and no one would say anything to them, it'll be legit theirs.

OMG your card declined!!!
"Why?" you ask
"Uh it said declined, I don't know why" aka - other then either you are a loser, you have very little money in the bank, you were at your limit, your bank sucks and you always have problems with you card. I don't know WHY your card declined, our little machine does NOT tell me anything about you and your life.

A long time ago, maybe 6 years a lady lost her credit card. She remembered the last place and time she used it. Of course it was at my store oh and I was on duty oh and I rang her up. The cops came to my work asked for who was working at such and such time and took me aside. WTF? They claimed I stole her card because it was being used later that same day. Lets look at the camera, we re-winded to that time of day she was in and sure enough there I was and I handed her card back right there on tape. I was apologized to by the officer right there.

Then there was the time we found a credit card stuck in the metal grids of the bottom of the exit door. We put it in our little lost and found and forgot about it. The next day a lady comes in saying "You kept my card!! You stole it!!" Whoa whoa there lady I don't want your money, "What is your name?" and I looked at the latest card in the lost and found and bingo it was her. She also apologized and thanked me a million times, especially after I told her where we found it.

It's amazing how you think I'm out to get you. I don't care about your money, all I want is what you owe the store and that you leave.

Singing while you shop

Today this guy comes into signing some r&b song. He sang loud and all through the store and up to my counter. I ignored him and told him his total then he stops signing and says
"What, you don't like my signing?"
 "Don't like anyone signing. Do you want debit or credit?"
 "I bet if I sang some Hank Williams you'd like that"
Oh ok this is a race thing now, I do not make eye contact or talk to him again. What a fucking racist fuck. It's very annoying when anyone is signing, yelling or talking loudly in the store. It's rude, just because it's a liquor store doesn't mean you act like it's your house. Your house is no where near as nice.

Cash Money

Cash money is the fastest way to pay...sometimes. Did you know that when you go into a store that you need money to purchase things you want? Whoa, it's just a concept that is too hard for some people. Here is how paying with cash can slow down time to a stand still.

Your total is lets say $9.99, I bet you have that 99 cents. Oh but it's not just at the bottom of your purse or in 5 different pockets of your coat, that change is outside in your car. You go get your change while I wait for you because getting back a penny in change is too much for you to bear. I hate you be the way.

Also if you are a 'I have the change' type people, if you can't count or you count way to slow, math is not your friend, please stop wasting my life or other peoples time.

Or your total is something like $10.75, in your hand you are holding a ten dollar bill, a twenty dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill, ok you got the money now give me that twenty...and then you say "I don't wanna break my twenty" First you'll look in your pockets for change, but no luck it's not enough, then you look at me and even ask me "Can you let me slide for 75 cents? It's just 75 cents anyway." Whoa there big baller, that's almost a dollar, "I work at a liquor store, you think I'm rich??" I respond "You have the money, so pay it or don't get it." I hate you very much. These people not only do this once, they do it every time. They also will ask the person behind them in line if they can spot them the change, you make me sick by the way.

Next there's always a bunch of people everyday who barely have enough to buy a signal can of beer. They pay with pennies, ash tray money and also money that looks like it was stolen from a wishing well, all corroded and dirty. These people also depend on the take a penny leave a penny tray to survive. Some of the regular take a penny dependers when I see them coming I'll empty out the tray into the register before they come up to the counter, sometimes if they see there is a lot of pennies in there they will go and get a bigger can of beer. That's NOT what the tray is for in my opinion, I'll probably go into that rant later.

Then there are the money spreaders, they will count out their money but lay it all over the counter in no order. This money is very hard to pick up and also these people usually keep it closer to there side of the counter which forces me to lean over to gather it up.

Money throwers, they'll throw their dollar bills towards you on the counter. In the summer we usually have a fan on somewhere and this money will fly away in mid-air. Also there are the people who hand the dollars to me like a normal human being would BUT they throw their change on the counter, any idiot knows when you throw coins onto a table it'll bounce or roll away.

Hidden money! You keep your money in your sock, or maybe your bra, or even in your underwear, you are so smart. If you got robbed the crook will never find your money....and I don't want to touch you money. I'll let you lay it down on the counter and count it with my eyes as you count it in your hand, then I'll hand you your change and say "Have a good one." When you turn to leave I'll take a paper bag and sweep your money into a cigar box for dirty money and extra rolls of change we keep under the counter.

Sweaty/wet money, gee thanks. I don't know why it's wet. I hope you fell into the water or went swimming earlier. Sometimes sweaty or wet money is hard to see but so easy to find when touching. After you hand it to me I'll throw it to the empty spot towards the right of the register for it to dry. Alright even if your money is dirty and gross, it's still money, it still buys stuff congrats to you by the way.

The correct way to hand me money is that you hand me your money the same way you would want me to hand you your change. Yes, it's that easy! You can do it, I have lost faith in most people but at least 50% of you know what you are doing. I can't wait till I snap and start throwing money at people the way they so-call 'hand it' to me.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


I like to yell at people doing things wrong. I like that other people look at you, they almost break their necks to see you. It makes you feel pretty stupid doesn't it? Oh lol, you are such a low life, everyone come look at this loser trying to steal.

I don't care how big you are, or what color you are, or how old you are, if I see you trying to steal something I am going to confront you. I'm not like most other clerks that wait for you to approach the counter or the exit door. What I like to do is watch you on the camera and then with my outside voice yell at you to put whatever it is back and leave the store. You look up in surprised and even have a look on your face like "is she yelling at me?" and then I say "I can see you on the camera, leave now before I call the police." That's my favorite way of doing it.

A huge fat black man was in the vodka isle and yelled up to us "Where is your rum?" We answered him "Next isle on the right." "OOh ok" he says, then he grabbed a fifth of vodka and jammed it down his sweat pants. What's funny is he pointed himself out to us by asking us a question and I looked at the camera to see where the rum isle was for him.
"You can put that back and get out of the store!" I yell.
"Who me???"
"Yeah you, I see you on the camera."
"Oh shit" as he pulls the vodka outta his pants and puts it back on the shelf.
It was a Saturday afternoon, the store had at least 20 people walking around at the time and all 20 of them were looking at him.

That's the fastest, easiest and safest way to deal with stealing.

Sometimes I let myself almost get into trouble, these people make me so mad. There was a display of Philly Blunts sort of in front of one of the registers. I saw this tall skinny black kid pick up the display and put in under his coat. I jumped over the counter and blocked the exit door and yelled "Put it back!!"
"Put what back??"
"The blunts under your coat, do it and get the hell out"
He did and left, he had 3 friends with him that were all laughing at him

Then there are times it gets bad. 2 women who looked like they slept in the gutter came in. They wanted a six-pack of beer. One used her credit card, it declined so her friend gave me her credit card so the other lady took the beer and waited in the car, but then her friend's card declined...then she ran out the door. So I jumped the counter and ran out the door too. By the time I get out the door their car is starting to move, I slapped one of the car's windows and yelled "You fucking pieces of shit trash!!" and then grabbed onto their radio antenna and bent it all up as it went through my hand. Yeah...sometimes I go a little overboard but it's exciting at the same time.

Sometimes you never know what you will do in a situation until it happens. You might tell yourself you are the type that thinks things out, that you always play it safe. Lol, you never know until it happens in my opinion.

Then the wtf happened? A young looking boy comes in, he looked maybe 20, his eyes were huge, he had to be doing some drugs. He was so spaced out we watched him on camera walking down every isle and picking up things until his arms where full. Then he turned towards the door and started walking a bit faster, but his fast walk was like a zombie running with cold stiff legs. The cooler boy and I ran outside and caught up to him, he started to hand somethings back to the cooler boy but he wouldn't let go of a half gallon of Captain Morgan that I had my hand on. He jumped into an awaiting running car that was backed into a space. I held on and the car started moving along with Captain Morgan, I heard it make a clink sound as the boy's arm snapped back and hit the car, along with my elbow. I hope that bottle cracked in the car, they made off with it and left me with a rug burn like wound on my elbow. The cops were called and a search was on for then, about 2 weeks later the boy's picture appears in newspaper under the obituaries, he died of a drug overdose was the rumor.

Cell Phones

I hate people on their cell phones. I do not know if you are talking to me or the person on the line. I have given up on guessing, I do not care that your baby's daddy has a rash on his balls, I do not care if your mom is in the hospital and might die tonight. Why are you saying these things out loud in front of strangers? What is wrong with you?

So I ignore you during your whole transaction. I say your total very loudly. If you take too long to get your money out because you are trying to hold your phone I'll push your stuff aside and wait on the next customer. I do not make eye contact with you because you might want something else and try to point at the massive wall of pints and halves behind me that you want or even try to mouth the words of something. If you want something else you are going to have to speak to me like a human being.

Here are some options that you should do if you are in a store and your cell phone rings
  1. Hit the silent button and do not answer it
  2. Go outside
  3. Answer and say to the caller: "I'm in a store I'll call you back in 1 minute" or even "Hold on a minute
Here are some of things customers do:
  1. On the phone the whole time while in the store
  2. Drop things because they can't hold a case of beer and a phone at the same time
  3. Tell the person they are talking to "Sorry I'm at the counter" (they should be apologizing to me)
  4. Point to things they want
  5. Try to whisper or mouth the words of a Half Pint of Popov
  6. Talk way to loud and make it hard for me to hear anyone
  7. Talk about things I do not want to know about
  8. Are way too slow
You people make me sick and I hate you. The worst customer while on his cell phone held up his hand and with his index finger and gave me the "1 moment" sign. I pushed his stuff to the side and refused to wait on him. There was a long line behind him and since he didn't want the person he was talking to know he was in a store he couldn't say or do anything about it. Everyone else was very happy to have my attention, they want to leave and go have lives and not listen to some jerk talk on his phone.

I'm planning on solving this pet peeve by ordering a hand held cell phone jammer. Takes 30 days to ship but I believe it's worth the wait. You can walk into the store while on your phone, but don't even try to approach my counter.

Open for business

Welcome to the Liquor Store Clerk's blog. This is where you will read the horrors of my life's work. I have been working as a liquor store clerk for 12 years now. I'm planning on posting many of my liquor store stories of adventure, rants, lottery fucks, and customers from hell and heaven.

A little about me, I take your money and put your stuff in a bag and say "Have a good one." That's all.

My responsibilities include, counting money, bagging, stocking, cleaning up after you, listening to you, helping you, making sure your envirnment is safe, putting up with your smell, pretending I'm happy, following state laws, protecting your children from purchasing alcohol, security, psychologist, mind reader, your best friend, and your nightmare. That's all I could think of for now.

A little about my store, we sell liquor, beer and wine. It's American owned. It's one of the largest in my area.

Have a good one.