Sunday, June 5, 2011

That's not what I said!

"I said I want 374 a dollar straight and a dollar boxed!" said some grumpy old guy to me in front of the lottery machine. I heard him cleary say he wanted 367, but I'll let him slide this time. I cancel the 2 tickets and print out 374 and as soon as he got to lookat them he siad

"That's not what I said, I want 326!" he said in a piss offed voice. I cancel the tickets yet again and repeat slowy and very loudly "3    2    6", "Yes, 326 is what I've been saying!"

I hand him his tickets and surprize they are wrong number... He is gettingangry at me, when he said be saying he   was sorry. I had him a piece of paper and told him to write down his number, that I'm not canceling one more ticket because he doesnt know what he wants.

He started to imply that I was stupid but a regular customer was standing in line and said "Sir, you said 326, I heard you, its your fault if the number is wrong." The old guy rolled his eyes and left.

Silly co-workers

Co-worker - "Ugh, I don't get why all these gross people hit on me all day?"

Me - "Your shirt is way too tight and your underwear is showing..."

Co-worker - "You think that's why???? I can't believe people notice that sort of stuff!"

Did you know that I don't want to hear your music?

So stop playing your crappy music through your cell phone speakers and walking around the whole store, standing in line, being waited on, all awhile your cell phone is playing music that sounds like it's from a 1970's stereo that's under water. This doesn't make you cool, this makes you rude and your parents should of never had you.

Shake shake shake

"I want a case of Heineken, the small ones." says some guy who doesn't even look at the huge cooler of beer.

"Yes, they are in the cool.." I get cut off by him asking "Can you get it for me? I don't know where they are."

"Sure thing." I start the long walk to the big beer cooler, the guy follows me. Since I'm getting the case I always go inside the cooler to avoid taking emptying the store shelves. The guy stands at the door waiting for me. I come back out with his case and go to hand it to him, but instead of him reaching his arms out he steps away from me... and asks "How much are those?"

So I carry his case over to where the huge price list hangs above the Heineken cooler door and say "$17.99 plus tax."

"Oh.... well how much is that with tax? Is there anything cheaper? I only have $20"

"It should be under $20 with tax, all the prices are listed above the cooler doors." I'm still hold his case of beer.

"Oh, well I'm going to look around a bit."

"Ok." as I walk to the counter with this stupid case of beer that this guy may or may not buy. So when I get behind some isles on my way to the front I give the case of beer a good shake, shake and a shake. Sure this guy isn't being mean or anything but he is being needy and annoying and doesn't know how to hold his own case of beer.

He comes up to the counter 10 minutes later and says "Ok how much is this with the tax?" We ring it up and sure enough $17.99 x 6% is under $20 but he had to go out to his car for change because no one wants change. Another customer comes in, we voided out the Heineken so we could um work. The guy comes back in and is trying to butt ahead of the person we are waiting on. I don't know why he would think we would wait for him. He has to wait 2 extra seconds for us to re-ring his Heineken up, so he rolls his eyes.

After he left I said to my co-worker "I shook up his beer."

"Thank you."

Sunday, May 8, 2011

What an awful day it was

Beautiful day outside, sun is shinning, warmish weather, not a cloud in the sky, it's mother's day...oh what a beautiful day to go to a liquor store and be a bitch...

"How much is your candy bars?"

"One dollar."


"No, it's a liquor store we sell mainly liquor" and *smile*, and no smile back in return, oh well.


"Do you sell limes?"

"Yes, that's $1.00"

"A DOLLAR?! for a lime?!? I could go to the grocery store and get 4 for a dollar there!"

"Ok by me."

"Eh, but I'm already here and it'll save me from stopping."

Next please!

"Do you have your ID?"

He stumbles to get his wallet out, he is going way to slow for me. He opens his open to one of those plastic window things and says "You can see it." I can see it's from a state that I don't see a lot, I want to SEE it in my hand, rather through a yellowish plastic window.

"Can you take it out for me?"

"It's right there"

"I need to see it in my hand." Finally after him saying "It's right there" 2 more times he takes it out. He is 21 years and 1 month-ish old, no surprise that someone who is barely legal is a jerk about it.

Next Please!

One fake ten dollar bill got by me.

Next over here!

One fake five dollar bill didn't get pass me, the owner of the bill is outraged that I wouldn't take it.

Next in line!

On cell phone "Yo dawg we are gonna have scrimp and steak on the grill. I'm gettin something to drink and I'll be over, you should go, really man it's gonna be happening. I'm gonna get that right now. Hey sis, sis, sis Hey sis, I'm trying to right now, Hey sis SIS, SIS"

Turns out he was calling me "sis" and I have no idea why. I'm no sis my no means.

Next please

Man is purchasing 12 bottles of wine, I go to get a box that will hold 12 bottles and he says "Ugh, I rather have a few bags, there's just no room in my car for a box." So I bagged 12 bottles of wine in 4 different bags, what a waste of paper and my time.


"Happy Mothers Day!" "Happy Mothers Day!" "Happy Mothers Day!" "Happy Mothers Day!" "Happy Mothers Day!" "Happy Mothers Day!" "Happy Mothers Day!" "Happy Mothers Day!" and repeat some more. I am not a mom, maybe that's way it was annoying to hear over and over, but probably not.

I can take the next person here!

"Don't you got plastic bag?"

"No, paper only."

"Ugh, plastic bags are so much better, they got handles and make it easier to carry."

"Paper is better for the earth and plastic is too weak for beer and bottles."

"Then you just double bag it and it won't break."

"Yeah that's good for the earth... Have a good one."

We were so annoyingly busy today, never had the usually 5 minute break of no one in the store. It was consent needy people. Why is it there can be a sign that is 3 feet wide and 8 feet tall and all it says is the price of the item that is sitting in front of it, but everyone has to ask "How much is this?!?!" Why can't they see the sign? Maybe it's just more fun to ask then to read.

Meanwhile I need new sneakers really bad, my feet are killing me and my bills are piling up at home, the check engine light is on in my car, the rent check is going to clean out my bank account and all I can think about is if that $20 coupon on my desk has expired yet for the shoe store. I get home and it is expired.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Easter Sunday...

Two neighboring states had a mandatory shut down of their liquor store/sales. We knew about the one state but were very surprised about the other one being dry. We were open regular hours, we are open everyday for 13 hours, 7 days a week and only are closed on Christmas day. So needless to say we were insanely busy yesterday.

I ran reggy 2 for 8 hours. On an average Sunday at reggy 2 I will get an approx 30 credit card slips, but on this holiday Sunday I got about 260 credit card slips. But people are crazy, they will travel up to 30 miles for alcohol and buy 2 beers twice in one day.

This one guy complained that our 5 cent cups because they cost.. 5 cents, even after being told "We paid for them, they aren't free." he said "Those should be free, it's like buying cigarettes and not getting a free pack of matches." I replied "Well it's illegal to drink and drive, so really you shouldn't need a cup and just wait till you get home. We don't support drinking and driving." With that being said he gave me the 5 cents.

I set up the answering machine to say "Yes we are open!" and stating the hours and a "drive safe, Happy Easter" message. We don't have to answer the phone all day, it's great. The main reason people call us is to find out if we are open on these major holidays. This also solves answering dumb ass questions to people that aren't even in the store. I hate it when people call to ask "How much is your Captain Morgan?", why don't you come in and find out. And I really hate Lottery Fucks calling asking "What where the numbers tonight?" I don't care, they should look it up online or call the lottery it's self.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

May I see your I.D.?

It's my job, it's the law, duh. If you do not look like you are 30 or over I am going to card you. Some people find it very annoying that I ask. I notice the younger they are the more annoyed they get. I really don't care that you are annoyed, it's not worth the fine I and the store would have pay, or losing my job, or getting the store shut down, all because you felt annoyed I was doing my job.

Younger people well roll their eyes and say "Ugh I'm still gettin carded!" and when I look at their age they are only 22. Which I reply by saying "Because you are 22...that's young."

I'm not very good with faces and I don't really care to get to know people so I will card the same person 3 times within the same day and not even notice. Unless you have a tattoo on your face or something awful like that I won't remember you, so bring your ID with you every time. I wait on 100's of people within an 8 hour shift. It would be different if I only waited on you all day long, but sadly I don't. So don't give me "I WAS JUST IN HERE!" cry, what did you lose your id already? Did you have to give your id back to the person who it belonged to? All I know is you are trying to buy something that has an age limit so prove yourself to me.

If you do throw a fit such as yell "I'M 21, I LIVE RIGHT DOWN THE STREET AND COME HERE ALL THE TIME, STOP CARDED ME ALL THE TIME, I'M SICK OF IT!!" So after your fit you hand me your id which says you are 21 and 2 weeks old, I'll say "lol, you come in here all the time? What for the last 2 weeks?" With a rotten attitude like that I try to remember to always card that person. Once a kid finally caught on and he apologized for his rude behavior a month later.

People that go to a liquor store without an id, wtf really? There are too many of you, why do you even bother? You don't look 30-something, you knew what type of purchase you wanted to make, so why'd you even bother opening our door? Get out and don't hang in the parking lot and ask other customers to buy you stuff. I will tell you to leave the parking lot, if you refuse I call the cops without letting you know. If you have a friend with you who is over 21 and has their id on them get them to make the purchase to begin with. Don't be an idiot and waste my time.

If you have a fake ID, thanks for making me laugh.

If you try to use some type of school ID, again thanks for making me laugh.

If you had your drivers license taken from you because of a DUI or something like that, I cannot take that piece of paper stating your name and your birth date. It may be state issued, but it's not a gov't made ID and it does not have a picture. Sorry get lost.

For awhile at the local farmer's market there was a stand that made id's for fun. They would put anything you want on there, it's for fun... It says on the back of those cards "This is NOT a government issued card"...So thanks for making me laugh. And why did you even bother getting a fake id of the state I live in? The farmer market fakes used a totally different layout and style, yeah...get the fuck out.

Beware of those tricky kids born in the right year but not the right day. I always make sure to double check that date, I was once one of those kids. I was born in December and for a whole year I was being served alcohol to those that didn't really look.

I once was threaten with "I should hit you over the head with this bottle!" I don't know how that help her need of an ID but it didn't as she was told to leave without even a chance to buy.

I carded someone and I knew the person on the ID, I went to school with her but I did not know the person standing in front of me. I asked her how Anne and her son were doing and she responded with "They are doing great, I went to see her last week" lol, wtf sorry get out.

The kids who think it's ghetto fabulous to buy cigs and blunts from a liquor store instead of the 7/11 that is only 2 stores down from us have a hard time being carded. They will slam their id's down on the counter as if they were going to win a hand at poker. Huff and puff as they go out to their cars to get their id. These kids won't be able to handle real life in my opinion. If acting like an asshole gets you what you want, you will only get what you deserve, maybe the stalest blunt in the box or a pack of cigs that are freshly squeezed.

Be kind or don't bother coming in, thank you.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Do you sell fake weed?

Got asked if we sell fake weed twice today by two different kids buying blunts. Alright kiddies I'm old and don't know what this is, but sounds like something a liquor store wouldn't have, so I goggled it. Lol, it's packaged and sold as potpourri and these kids are smoking it and throwing up.
oh word, fake weed

It must of been on the news that started this rumor mill and has these kids and all their friends wanting to smoke this potpourri. There really is no bad publicity when it comes to this stuff. Look at Four Loco that energy/alcohol drink in a can, it was killing college girls and everyone wants it. It was soon band from the distributor so we up-ed the price to $4.99 a can instead of the usually $2.49 and we sold out of the 8 cases we had left within a day of the band. If it wasn't for all the news this stuff would of just been sitting around collecting dust.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Cell phone jammer is broken NOooOOOOooOOo

Or as the instruction manual says it's "in the bad", come on China I bought a fine product and it only last a few months. It took longer to ship then it took to break. It could have been my fault for leaving it at the store for fellow employees to use. I'm thinking someone dropped it on the floor, but no one said or would admit they did.

Could have been just cheaply made. Its battery wouldn't hold a charge after 2 weeks of use, we had to leave it plugged in all the time. Eh, still was worth the $25 I paid for fun and the peace and quite it gave.

I had 3 people in tonight just yapping away on their cells phones. First convo went something like from a big black guy with a big loud voice "He has Comcast, why would he change that? That's fucking stupid. Who would do that? He has Comcast, he wouldn't do that!!" I pushed the jammer's button, the little green light came on and he was still talking about how that guy has Comcast. Sometimes it can take time to cut someone off but this guy never got cut off. At the counter to the parking lot was nothing but "HE HAS COMCAST! WHY?!"

Second convo was from a short 30 something year old women on her bluetooth, "Well if she comes over tonight you can't go over there tomorrow. It's a school night honey" Then "EXCUSE ME! Where is your white zin?" Oh she was talking to me, she said, "excuse me" like I'm the one who is rude....then back to "No, I told you if she comes over tonight you can't go tomorrow!" Meanwhile I just point in which direction to go. I push the jammer button and then look at my phone; it drops 2 bars instead of 4. Well sonova, this sucks.

Third convo was from some lady who had nothing to say but "Uh huh", "hmmm", "tiisss and "hmmm". I do not and will not say "Thank you" or "Have a good one" to these cell phone people, but I do say the total very loud or ask CREDIT OR DEBIT? very loud, so that makes up for my lack of my opinion.

One problem with the jammer is that we can't leave it on all the time because it also jams cordless landline phones and 2 out of 3 phones we have are cordless. So it was always being turned off and on. I know when I would be in control of it I'd turn it on at least 8-10 times in a normal day. Maybe it's just dying from all the use it had within it's short life span.

Best Buy bathroom horror story

I know it's not my store but I was actually a customer at the time and I got bathroom horror on my mind so,

My friend and I were walking through the parking of our local Best Buy store, we passed some guy who was leaving and he said to us "Watch out for the shit in there!" For some reason I just assumed there was some loud mouth person in there throwing a fit, I was wrong.

Right there beyond the double automatic doors on their Best Buy blue and gray carpet was a turd. It must of just happened, there was a circle of employees standing there about 10 feet away just looking it. I walked around it as one daring employee placed a 'wet floor' sign near it. I heard someone yell "Get something to clean this up!" and then I saw a young boy running up there with a vacuum cleaner. The voice of who ever was in control said "NO! NOT A VACUUM! Get a dust pan..."

Geez, a vacuum cleaner

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Bathroom Horror Stories & Rant

"Do you have a bathroom?"

"Yes, straight back in the left corner"

"Thanks", "Thank you", "Hey blah blah it's in the corner!", "Oh", "Where?", or "I'll be right back" are the common responses. How some people use the bathroom isn't common...

The Good:

Anyone who is a normal human being. Knows how to knock if they believe someone might be in there. Uses the trash can for trash. Knows how to flush and clean up after themselves for any reason.

The Bad:

Turns the door knob to realize it's locked, they don't believe it could possibly be in use so they bang and rattle the door while most likely scaring the shit outta someone using the toilet. "Hold on!!" is yelled a lot.

Sometimes guys enter the single person bathroom in groups as big as 4 I've seen. I can only image some using the sink.

Parents who let their little kids use this bathroom alone. They cannot reach the paper towel holder and usually use toilet paper to dry their hands and then like to drop it on the floor or leave it in the sink.

Homeless people keep stealing our soap, after we pin pointed who it was and said something to them we haven't seen them since.

Our bathroom is ghetto and has a doorbell ringer as a light switch, we wrote the word "LIGHT" above and below it to help some people not to be scared to touch it, but there are always stupid people. "There isn't any light in the bathroom."
"It's the doorbell, it's the light switch, hit it."
"I don't see it, HELP ME!"
Helping a grown person find a light switch is pretty annoying. Usually younger girls will not ask where the light is, they well just get one of their friends to stand in front of the door with it cracked a little bit for light.

Good lordy, why is there so much toilet paper on the floor? WHY?

Unflushed toilet, oh you giving me work to do?, thanks

The Ugly:

A pretty busy day, someone was already in the bathroom when a black lady had come running into the store and asked where the bathroom was right away. She ran back to the corner to find the door was locked. She couldn't wait...she pulled down her pants and took a shit on the floor right between the bathroom door and the soda cooler. She ran out as fast as she had done her business.

A way too pale white man didn't understand the directions to the bathroom, instead he found his way to our wine temperature controlled room and threw-up on an open wooden box of wine. Our wine guy was pissed and rushed in there to assess the damage, unfortunately upon seeing the up-chuck caused his gag reflex to produce his own and ...well just created more of mess.

Usually a few Mexicans (not being racist just stereotyping) if they use toilet paper they will throw the shit covered paper into the trash can. I was explained to by someone that in some houses they have poor pluming and the paper will clog the drain, but this isn't your house and that is sick and it stinks.

People who some how get shit on the toilet seat. These people are either breaking the rules of gravity, or they have bad aim, or don't know how to sit on a toilet properly. There has even been surprise poop on the floor a few times.

Pee on the seat, I'm not shocked. In fact if I didn't see pee on the seat I wouldn't know where I was.

Blood on the seat, gee thanks.

Little boy said to his mom "I got gum on my hands." "Well son go wash it off." Gum doesn't WASH OFF you dumb cunt, but it does rub off, gum on the door knob, gum on the faucet knobs, gum on the toilet handle, gum all over the wall. Weeeeeee

Given our bathroom is ghetto and very small it does NOT have a baby changing station. Any mother or father who lays their child down on a liquor store bathroom floor, I don't care if you do use a blanket for the baby to lay on, people piss on that floor night and day. It's child abuse and you should be ashamed of yourself for putting a shit filled diaper into our little trash can to stink up the place.

A young lady who was dressed in her perfect business skirt suit, asked for 5 cases of Heineken, she bitched about the price and asked for a discount. She felt she was buying a lot and deserved a discount, she was snobby, like her shit didn't stink... but then all of sudden she asked for the bathroom and disappeared for 20 minutes...and it did stink. She didn't get a discount and she didn't ask for one after her 20 minute vacation.

Piss on the floor? Water from the sink? Toilet water? Who knows, who cares what those puddles are. Place a paper towel over it and wipe it with the bottom of your shoe.

Women who think tampons can be flushed.

The floating tampon. Yeah you couldn't flush it so you left there, thanks.

Women who think it's ok to leave a bloody tampon or pad uncovered right on top of the top can. I am thankful it made it to the trash can but com'on wrap it up in toilet paper or at least place a paper towel over it.

Once upon a time we had a girl that worked there that could fill the bathroom up with a rank fish smell.

Does driving the liquor store give you the shits? For real, please don't stink up the store, it can and has happen way too many times.

People who sneak a bottle of whatever alcohol into the bathroom. Drink the contents of bottle and then try to hide the bottle by flushing it. It's not going to work.

"The toilet is overflowing, it's not my fault!!" It probably isn't their fault, it's from the women who flush their tampons and the people who think the toilet is a trash can for paper towels and god knows what else. It's even worse if the person who witnesses the toilet overflowing not to tell someone, a few times the water has ran and ran until it reached 2 isles of the store and on it's way to the counter. Sometimes there are fun surprises floating around too...

LOCK the door behind you! If you don't someone will walk in on you and you'll ruin their day or yours.

CLOSE the door, yes close it all the way PLEASE!

The mystery stain on the wall, it won't even come off with bleach. Oh well, it gives people something to think about while they're in there.

An older women was talking to me, asking me about where something was and how great it was, all awhile she was taking a huge shit in her depends. It was very hard not to notice the sounds of a massive poo being made. I was just glad she didn't leave her diaper in our trash can.

Men who think it's ok to use the side of our building as a bathroom. We are located on a busy route and I'm sure not all of the South bound drivers like what they see.

Poop Socks have been found in our parking lot and on the side of the building. Just in case you don't know, poop socks are found when someone takes a massive poop outside and they really really wish they had toilet paper, so they sacrifice a sock to clean themselves and leave the poor sock behind.

Human poop has been found out front on a yellow parking space line where two cars where probably (hopefully) parked.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Flagged Pen!!

This guy is buying a 12-pack of beer, he pays with a credit card, as the credit card machine is thinking about approving this guy I put a pen down for him to use in about 5 seconds. He picks up the pen and taps it on the counter a bit and then asks "Do you have a bathroom?"

"Yes, in the corner, straight back."

Then he takes off for the bathroom with the pen in his hand... Meanwhile the credit card machine spits out his approval. There's 2 things wrong with this, why didn't he wait to finish his transactor and why the hell did he take my pen into the bathroom??

So he returns...the pen is still in his hand, he signs for this beer and leaves the pen on the counter. I claimed the pen was flagged and pushed it off the counter onto the floor, it landed behind our newsstand of free stuff to read.

The very next customer that came up, he was an older man who talked too loud. This guy sees the pen and says "Whoa free pen!" grabs it up and sticks it in his shirt pocket. Again there's 2 things wrong with this, he should of checked the pen to see if it wrote first...maybe or um...he should of asked if it was mine pen. Oh well, I hope he enjoyed his free pee pen.

Your receipt is your trash

It's well known that no one wants a store receipt for a six-pack beer, so our reggy's are set-up to not print a receipt unless we tell it to. I usually hit the print button for people who: complain about how much their total was, or if they spent anywhere close to $80ish and up, or anyone who says "Did you include my case discount?". My store receipt system really works well... but the receipts that are pissing me off are credit card receipts.

It is required that I give you a credit card receipt, it is NOT required that you leave it on the counter, or tell me to throw it away for you. Just fucking take the damn piece of paper and throw in the garage can out front by the door. It's really not hard to be responsible to protect your own identity. This little piece of paper you leave on my counter has the last 4 digits of your card, what type of card you have and your full name on it. I don't know how people go about stealing another's identity but I pretty sure you leaving that receipt behind well help them out a great deal.

It is not my job to tear up your unwanted half of your credit card receipt, the MOST I'll do is crumple it up and toss it at a trash can, or sometimes it'll fall off the counter where anyone can take it, or sometimes an angry clerk will pick it up and throw it at another clerk, who then throws it back and some how it'll end up on a shelf next to Jim Beam.

I find it rude when you ask me to throw it away for you, or just leave it on the counter, like you can't find a proper place for your own trash. Grow the fuck up, tear up your receipt and throw it in a trash can.

Monday, March 28, 2011

OMG you are so stop it

It's so funny when I say your total and you go to hand me your money and you pull it away. OMG I'm going to piss myself laughing, you are too funny and clever for me...

For the record I have never laughed but I have taken your stuff off the counter and waited on the next person who has passed the 5th grade.

Good lordy, why do you think it's so funny? Ah, that's right you aren't at work and you thought you'd cheer me up by making my job a joke....gee thanks

Once a man did this to the Boss on a super busy holiday, constant lines of 20-30 people long waited behind our 3 registers. Now the Boss has no patience when it's crowed like that, this guy was trying to buy 2 singles of cans of budweiser and he did the pull the money away trick about 3 times. So the Boss grabs one of the cans and slams it on the counter so hard the beer exploded in a stream straight up to the ceiling. Then says "Can I help the next person who wants to buy something!" The guy apologize, paid for the 2 beers and ran out with the 1 good can left.

Reusable Bags are NOT shopping baskets

We have for sale those earth friendly reusable canvas bags that holds 6 bottles of wine or whatever you want. We have a little display of them in the wine section of our store. Also at the front of the store are shopping carts and shopping baskets, but I guess having those things at the front of the store makes no sense because you haven't picked up anything yet...

At least once a week I get a person that grabs one of those bags, opens it up by breaking the little plastic ring and fills it up with things they want to buy. They walk up to the counter and push this bag up towards me. So I take everything out to ring it up, then I ring up the bag, all of sudden I've done something wrong as they say "Oh I don't want the bag, it was just easier to carry that way." "We have shopping baskets and carts for that." I say but they roll their eyes like I'm the one who's stupid and rude.

Yesterday it happened again, I said my usually "We have shopping baskets and carts for that.." and then I continued "You broke the ring on this one, now I have to fix it somehow and walk it back, they are not free to use like this." Then I threw the bag behind me without a care.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Happens at least 2 to 3 times an average day, a customer will want to buy something but doesn't have the money to pay for it and usually say "Can I bring back the $1 later?" or "Can you let me slide?" or even ask the person behind them for a dollar. I don't know if this happens at other stores like maybe a grocery store or even at a wal-mart type store, definitely can't see it happening at a nice department store. But I feel it's the lowest of the low to even dare ask me if you can steal a dollar from my store, or take money out of my pocket to pay for your alcohol.

Sure sure, I have heard "I come here all the time, I promise to bring back a dollar later" thing, but why is it that I don't recognize you? I've been working here for 11 years and I don't know you, weird, lying to me isn't going to get you your beer either. I really don't care about how bad of day you have had, or that your wife left you, or that your children are ugly, all those things does not give you a right to take from me, or my store, or other customers.

Last time I checked we were a store that exchanges goods for money. This money pays for more products, the building and my paycheck, so don't fuck around with my goods, you are fucking with my money. If you don't have the money, you can't have the goods, it's as easy as that.

So tonight a group of black guys come in, bring up 5 22ozs of Bud's and ask for a 1/2 pint of E+J. Their total was $8 something and they were holding a total of $6 between the 3 of them and look at me and say "We are so close, can you let us slide?" I laughed while saying "No" so they dump the 5 pennies out of the penny cup, searching their pockets for change, one runs out to the car to dig up some type of money. Now they were about 80 cents off, "Comon' we are so close, I come in here all the time, I'll bring it back" "Nope, I don't like being short and getting fired, just put something back." I said. They wouldn't let up and neither would I. Finally they chose to downgrade the 1/2 pint to a 1/4 pint.

They are walking to their car when another customer is about to walk in the door, they stop him and ask "Hey man you got a dollar? Help us out man." The guy gives them a dollar and they run back in and exchange the 1/4 pint for a 1/2. Fucking sick in my opinion. The guy walks up and sees their exchange for the 1/2 pint and he says to me after the door closed behind them "Sooo they already had gotten stuff.... "

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"I'm mot runk!"

I heard the clink of many bottles, I look up to see a young lady with her body smushed up against a display of Jose Cuervo. She stumbles away from the display as if running into never happened and says to me "Do do you have Everglo?" Now she could of been trying to say Everclear which is a grain alcohol, or she really wanted Everglo which is a tequila/vodka liquor that glows in the dark and tastes like ...something that would glow in the dark. Anyway I said "No, we haven't had that in a long time." "OOh to bad." she said and sorta of stumble her way down an isle away from me.

The boss just happened to walking by and followed her and gave me the eye to watch the cameras. I heard him ask her if he could help her find something but she keep saying "I'm ust oooking" and walked really fast up and down our 5 isles of liquor, back and forth. The boss was walking along the end of the isle to watch her but she kept moving. She couldn't walk straight and couldn't stand still without swaying. She was just a drunk mess.

Finally she picks up a bottle of green apple pucker and shoves it in her small purse, it's bottle neck was sticking out and she tried to cover it with her arm. The boss says "Now put the back miss and leave my store." Shaking his head in disappoint at her. "Put what back?" He pointed to the bottle neck sticking out, "Oh I was gonna pay for that, I ave money, I can't carry it, I have back problems." She started to walk pass him but he grabbed the neck of the bottle and pulled out the bottle, "Leave now" he said. She heads towards the door and stops to look at us wonderful cashiers and says "Sooooo you won't wait on someone with back problems!! I have money!" as she stumbles into our shopping carts and then has to hold on to them to keep herself from falling. "You have had enough already, bye miss" the boss said. "Huuh, I'm not runk.....  FUCK YOU!" she says as she fumbles for the door. "You too!" I yell back. "Hmmph" I heard as she left.

We watched her make her way to car parked at the end of the lot. If she was driving the cops were going to be called but she was a passenger. I felt sorry for the driver.

Alrightly, now it's illegal to sell to someone who is clearly already drunk, but they are allowed to be high, or stoned, tweaked, it doesn't matter as long as you're not drunk. When someone is drunk they don't want to hear the word "no", being denied something is worth destroying something, a bottle maybe, a shelf maybe, some one's face maybe. We usually let them wonder the isles until they slip up on their own such as stealing, or almost knocking something over, or asking another customer for a kiss, or yelling. Giving them a reason for being kicked out is better, then they feel more like the badass they really are...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Yay for Cell Phone jammers!

The cell phone jammer I ordered finally arrived, it's well worth the $25. It's a little hand held one, it's suppose to have about a ten foot range, but it seems wider than that. So far I've cut off 3 customers off from talking. One of them was talking loudly throughout the store, got him before he even made it half way towards the counter. Next was a lady with a blue-tooth, I said "Hello" and she said "Yeah, um what you want for dinner?", then all of a sudden she stopped talking about dinner, oh ha. The 3rd guy really pissed me off, he called someone while he was next in line and then started to argue with who ever he was talking to, he only got maybe 10 seconds of talk time.

So far the reaction to losing a call is they look at their phone, shrug their shoulders and put the phone down. No big deal, and I get them out of the store faster. It's a win win for sure.

My rules for cell phone edict are pretty simple, do not be near the cashier while on a cell phone.

Monday, February 7, 2011


In an average 8 hour day at least one customer will ask for advice, and not advice about which wine is better, but advice about their lives. I know it's good to get an outsiders opinion on things, but come on, for real people?

This 40ish year old lady who looks like she spent her fair share of time on back of a motorcycle says "Do you know of any other tattoo shops in town?" I looked up at her and saw her upper lip is majorly swollen. She then tells me "I got a lip ring last night and I decided I didn't really want it, so I went to take it out but the pin is still stuck in my lip, I don't know what to do, I don't wanna go back to the same tattoo place." My advice was "Why don't you go to the ER...NOW!" She then says "I'm afraid they'll put a scar on my face getting the pin out." Hmm, so she'd rather pay someone at tattoo shop then pay a doctor, ok, sure...

This blond lady who looked about 30ish says "MEN, UGH I HATE MEN, you know what I'm talking about ladies, can't live with em and can't live without em, UGH!" I just nod my head and smile, and then she went more into a rant "My boyfriend of 3 months now...ugh..I only see him maybe 3 times a week cause he is always busy. Well we were suppose to get together tonight but I just got a phone call from him that he is at the bar. I don't know if I should go to the bar or just go home, I mean would I appear as a psycho girlfriend if I go to the bar? Should I put up with this shit??" Too much info on your sad relationship lady, but I replied "Maybe he told you where he was so you'd would join him."

A married coupled came in discussing how their relatives and friends discipline their kids and wonder the outcome of those kids when they grow up. They asked me "You think today's kids are disciplined and well mannered?" I responded a bit too honest for their taste "I think kids should be taught manners in school since about 75% of parents nowadays don't have manners in my opinion." They looked at me in shocked, like they never met a rude person in their lives or something, they must of never ran a register before.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


"Smile, it aint that bad." said by numerous male customers everyday. I guess because I'm a girl I'm suppose to smile at men 24/7 for my whole life. Sorry guys, it's not that I won't, it's that I can't, it's impossible.

Sometimes I am smiling, not because I'm happy to see a customer, but maybe I heard a joke or saw something funny and what do I hear the next male customer say? They say "What are you smiling at?" Alright, so I can't win. I guess I'm suppose to smile on command.

Hmm but I don't get a higher pay rate if I smile or not, so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

So one day a car hit our sign

It was at least 9 months ago one rainy day when a car decided to take out our front sign. This sign has been standing in the same spot for at least 30 years now. Never cause anyone any problems, never hurt any one before. It use to stand about 30ish feet tall. It had 2 metal poles on either side holding up a big metal sheet that read '***** Liquors - Beer, Wine and Spirits' and then there was one of those sign boards that we would post some type of special going on.

It was a Tuesday morning, it was sort of warm out but the skies were full of rain. The sign was just standing there like it normally did, also the trash dumpster was minding it's own business, the boss' car was just sitting there all in it's normal parking spot when...

The store is located on a very busy highway, sort of sounded like a mac truck hitting a bump in the road. No one even looked out the window to see...until the guy who was sitting in his car in the parking lot came into the store and said "Um that's a mess out there." Wtf is this guy talking about, we look out and see our 2 legged sign is now down to 1 leg, the metal sheet is now waving in the wind across the busy highway hanging on by a few nails and screws, the boss' car's roof  is smashed  in and there's an unknown car sitting in the dumpster.

911, the local cops show up first, then the paramedics. The driver is fine and is walking around. The passenger isn't coming out, ugh turns out she wasn't wearing her seat beat so she got her leg caught under the dash board, her foot wasn't attached...sort of hanging. She was put on a stretcher and whisked away in an ambulance.

Nope, this guy wasn't drunk, he passed the breathalyzer test, and no, this guy wasn't trying to pull into our parking lot either. He claims he hydroplaned into the curb (which is 3 or 4 yards away from the road) and then went about 8-10 feet airborne into the sign, bounced off the boss' car and into the dumpster. It's just odd that someone would hydroplane somewhere where water doesn't collect on the road and also somehow not have control of a wheel to just hydroplane straight. The road is straight, odd indeed.

So anyway, we had to knock down the rest of the sign with the help of a friend of a friend's front-end loader. We heard later the lady with the hanging foot was ok, they put the foot back where it belonged. Yay for her! Then we also hear that the driver wants to try to sue us, lol he didn't because he couldn't. Oh and the driver wasn't the owner of the car, so some poor smuck who let their dumbass friend borrow his car has to pay for a new sign and also the boss' car (which was totaled by the way) and this guy doesn't even have a car of his own either now.

Well in my opinion the driver of the car was just an idiot and that's what caused him to hit the curb and go airborne. The guy didn't even try to hit the breaks, there were no tire marks on the road or the parking lot and also we didn't hear the squealing of wheels. Open and shut case, but whatever.

Since we knocked down the rest of the sign because it was a threat to highway, we'll have to build a whole new sign...BUT the town won't let us. Turns out there's new rules in town so the sign isn't allowed to be rebuilt on the same spot because there's talk of one day the highway might be widen to 3 lanes wide, which might be 50-100 years from now. So we have no sign. We rented one of those blinking arrow signs, that says real small "Welcome to ***** Liquors" in those letters that always fall out when it's windy.

So we are sign-less and yet people still sort of know we sell alcohol. Now we hear "You guys should put a sign out there or something!", "What happen to your sign???" or I over hear customers say to each other "I told you this was a liquor store." as they come in through the door.

Oh and in case anyone was worried the dumpster was fine, not a din or dent.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It's Snowing

Oh joy the snow is here, time to load up on beer and liquor to keep you warm while you are snowed in at home. It's just as important as milk, or maybe more important. Don't forget to play your lottery tickets too, you're numbers will most likely come out the night you don't play them.

Make sure to be extra rude to your liquor store clerks as they lock up tonight. If you see them in the parking lot cleaning off their cars, make sure to ask them if they can open the store back up just for you, because you deserve it... You almost killed a family of 5 to get to the liquor store, so they better be open when you get there.

If they say 'No' to your request to open the store back up, make sure to tell them they are assholes. After all being rude is the only thing that will get you what you deserve...

Sunday, January 9, 2011

How muh dis is?

AKA 'How much is this?' to people who know how to talk. I hear 'how muh dis is?' way too much. The only things in the store that don't wear a price sticker is beer and that's only because the coolers have the prices listed above each cooler door. Either look at the sticker or the list, it's really not hard to do.

There are the idiots who stand in the middle of the store and yell towards me things they want and before they go get, they want to know how much it is...  I find this rude because they are yelling, eirther walk closer towards me or go find out for yourself. Well I sure as shit don't know every price in the store. Ever since the invention of the computer I haven't had to memorize any prices and yes, sadly I worked here for about 4ish years without a scanner on the register and I knew all the prices of every beer in the store. It was insane knowledge to have.

Most of the time I hear 'how muh dis is?' as the person puts their stuff on the counter. Sometimes I ignore them until I'm finished ringing them up and then sometimes I say "Hmm maybe I should ring it up."

Since most of the customers have poor speech, I try to make a few feel at home by saying "Ya gotcha ID on ya?"

Saturday, January 8, 2011

A good customer, what the...?

Had a phone call from a guy that said he was in about 30 minutes ago and he believes I gave him $5 too much!! Well well what a nice guy! Congrats to you mister man, not everyone is as sweet as you. He then went on to say "I wanted to make sure you didn't get you into trouble or even fired over $5." OMG what a sweetheart for sure. I said to him "Oh thank you so much, you keep it, the worst that can happen is I'll be told about the shortage but I'll think I'll be ok, Thank you so much!" Then he said he would ask about it the next time he stopped in.

After a few minutes I remembered someone gave me 3 5's when they should of gave me only 2, maybe that was him, ah most likely it was him.

Friday, January 7, 2011

She wanted a 12-pack

It was 5 minutes to closing time, there where at least 6 people in my line ready to go, all I have to do is ring them up, take their money and throw them out the door and we can lock the door and leave our private hell behind us for another night. But it's not that easy, there's people who don't give a shit that I've been on my feet for 8 hours, they don't care about anyone but themselves and the alcohol they want to get. They sneak into the exit door as people who have paid are leaving. It's like a crack in a dam.

This one bitch pushed her way past exiting customers. I yelled to stop from wondering around the store "What do you want? We are closing." all while I'm ringing up 3 cases of beer for group of Mexicans men, with about 5 people behind them in line. The cooler boy runs up to block her from walking further into the store, she gave me dirty look, but the cooler boy well not let her pass, he says "What do you want, I can get it, we are closing now"
"I want a 12 pack of Smirnoff orange" she says
"We don't have 12 packs of that, we only have 6-packs" cooler boy says
"Can I get the 6-packs for a 12-pack price???" she yells
The cool boy doesn't know prices, but he knows we don't have any 12 packs of dumb ass flavors, so he looks at me to give her a price.
"No" I said "We don't carry any 12 packs of flavors so I can't give you a price for something that we don't even have."

She says something about that not being fair. I'm working on my line of people and don't pay attention to her. The cooler boy takes off to get her something. Finally almost done with these people, only 2 more people and then the bitch.

Cooler boy brings up 2 6-packs of Smirnoff orange. She's saying towards me "I'm getting a 12 pack price!" lol, good luck lady, I'm thinking

It's her turn, I hit the 2x and ring up a 6-pack. "That'll be $14.89"
"Is that the 12 pack price!?!?!?!" she yells
"Sure is, I made one just for you." not hardly, I just 2x that shit so she didn't see it ring up by the 6-pack price. She gives me a nasty look, so I yelled "YOU ARE WELCOME!" right in her face. No one else is left in the store, so that bitch was all alone, made a loud ass scene for the 5 minutes she wasn't alone that's for sure. "I'm suppose to get a 12pack price." she said quietly. All I did was laugh at that.

Dear Customers,

The world owes you nothing.

Yours Truly,
Liquor Store Clerk

Funky Dunky gets the band

Oh it was joyful day when one of our most smelliest regulars got the band from our store. We called him funky dunky because he always smelled like b.o.  and worked at dunkin doughnuts, he would always be wearing his work clothes. I hope he worked in the back, his smell made me gag.

He would always buy a big can of budweiser and then something like a bottle of mad dog or a 4pk of wine coolers. I always assumed he must be buying for random teenagers. If we looked outside at his car, sure enough there would be some other car sitting next to his with some teens in it. oh well, that would a $500 fine for him, not us.

Well he got his beer and a 5th of bacardi grand melon that day. Just so happened that I was outside at the time. I watched him put the 5th on the hood of his car, then he opened his car door and sat his fat ass down. Gravity took over and the 5th rolled off the hood and broke on the ground. I looked at him and rushed back in.

He comes in and gets another bottle of bacardi  and says the bag broke and his bottle fell out. Damn did he hate me when I said what really happened and its not our fault he is so stupid. He was shocked we were going to give him a replacement bottle, he took the bacardi 5th that was on the counter and said "ooh ook I understand, I'll put this back then." I watched him on the camera as he walked back to the rum isle and stopped to put the 5th in his pants. I got to yell "I see you, put the bottle down and get out!"

He said "I'm sorry." and I said "You can't come back here anymore."

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Lottery F that got kicked out

It takes a lot to be band from a liquor when you only play lottery, but he deserve it. Maybe 5 years it was. First off we have a staff of about 10 that can run the registers, we have a morning shift and a night shift. Our staff rotates around a lot to make things even for everyone. Anyway there was this one guy who would come in once a week, and he didn't come in on a certain day, just any old time he could. So he never saw the same girl time. He would go up the lottery machine and say "20 mega millions"
then pause
Meanwhile our machine is printing out the tickets
We then say "That's $20 please" while holding out his freshly printed tickets
and then he say "I wanted separate tickets." and make such an awful mean face.

Since no one can cancel these tickets we are stuck with them, so we get sort of mad too. He probably heard us say "You have to say you want them separate." a million times. But that doesn't matter to him because he is a LF.

So then it got to the point where he said once "You people are dumb."
He even got the "Sorry I'm not a mind reader" from me.

Finally one night a co-worker was reading the newspaper close to the lottery machine, our boss was sort of near by reading another part of the newspaper. The guy came in and said
"Oh you people can read? I thought you people where too dumb to read."
Our boss says "You can take your business somewhere else, I'm tired of you giving my staff a hard time."
He just put his head down and left the store, never to be seen again.

Oh what a happy day it was for us.

Mega Millions is worth 355 million...

Yes, I know. Why do you keep telling me like I don't know. I filled in the sign that says what's it worth. The only thing I'm grateful for is now all states have both Mega and Powerball. So this night wasn't as bad as those nights back in the day. Just a steady constant flow of the People Who Play When It's Big and of course the Office Players. The Lottery Noobs weren't even that bad to be honest. So I'm really liking that all states are same. Maybe the boss doesn't like it, but meh, he's not the one who would have to stand behind the lottery machine for 8 hours.

Back in the day those awful lines would form, they would wrapped around 3 isles, blocking the mixers, whiskey and rum isles. Our machine was so slow too, that once someone asked for 100 signal tickets and the guy working the machine told them 'no' because it would take 10 minutes to do that. He started to get mad, but my co-worker looked out to the line of people and said "This man want's 100 signal tickets, it'll take 10 minutes to do that, should he be allowed to do it?" lol, of course the whole crowd of people yelled "NO".

Monday, January 3, 2011

Raspy Guy

There's was a homeless guy that would come in everyday that we gave the nickname of 'Raspy', plain and simple reasoning of the guy had a raspy voice. For some reason or another Raspy took it upon himself to say he loved me and I was his favorite liquor store clerk.

Anywhoo, I would have to hide from him if we saw him approaching the store, if he saw me he would hang out and talk for hours. Even if I wasn't there he would hang out for at least 10 minutes too long. Sometimes it was hard to understand what he talking about because of his voice, which made his stay more pointless.

He disappeared for awhile and showed back up with a story of how his brother died and his mom was very sick. Then he was put in jail for causing a scene at the hospital.

The other day I stopped at a store and on his way of the same store was Raspy. Right away he saw me and said my name all happy. He looked totally different, haircut, shower, shave and he had glasses on his face. Since he was sober he didn't get pervy with me, instead he shook my hand and said "I've been sober for 90 days now today, it's good to see you."

Good for you Raspy, his voice was still awful but I was glad to see him sober and looking well.

Trust Me

Hello, I'm your friendly liquor store clerk, why do you not trust me? Bah, I have nothing to prove to you. Look at you, you are the buying alcohol, I'm the one who shouldn't trust you in my opinion. You are a stranger in my place of work.

I have never stolen money from anyone, nor do I care to. I grew up believing that you earn everything in your life. That if you want something you earn it, you don't take.

So when you hand me a twenty dollar bill, I'll do this I'll give it the 'is this money real money?' test touch between my fingers, while doing this I have found many bills that where stuck together and guess what? I'm going to hand you back the money that stuck to the twenty, because it's not mine, it's yours, take it back.

When you hand me a dollar too much in your pile of bills, I also give that back to you and say "OOps a dollar too much."

If you hand me a lottery ticket and tell me to check it, I check it, if it's a winner I'll say "You won blah blah." If your ticket is a loser I'll say "Nope nothing, do you want it back?" If you say you don't want it back I make sure you see me rip it up throw it away.

Trust me, I'm not out to get you.

I like how when I hand most of you too much change or maybe I've handed you a dollar too much back nothing is said. But if you are missing a nickel you let me know?

Did you know that while I count your change I leave the amount you gave me on top of the drawer and I do not put it away until you have looked at your change and turn to leave? I bet you didn't. I do that so you can say "I gave you a twenty" and then I can say "Nope, you gave this here ten" and then I show you it.

Now there are a few really good people out there. Once a man came back in because one of his ten dollar bills had another ten stuck to it. A few people will give back too much change or that extra dollar, but doesn't happen a lot. What happens more is a person leaving and then coming back later that day and claim they gave me a fifty dollar bill but only got back change for a twenty.

Lottery F's

There are many different types of Lottery players, but Lottery Fucks are the worst by far. Here are the different types of Lottery players

  • Everdayer - will play everyday, I might even have their numbers memorized.
  • Plays when it's big - they don't know what they want but they want it all, they only play Mega Millions or Powerball
  • Lottery Noob - they have no idea and I don't want to spend 3 hours explaining to them. Even simple things like a scratch-off where all you have to do is match 3 like symbols is too much for them to handle. They also think they should pick their own numbers but don't know how or what numbers are....
  • Easy Going - these people are very easy going and will even wait patiently to be waited on. Some people have bad habit of thinking the lottery is our main line of business
  • Has their own cards under counter - They play the same numbers over and over again, so many times we are sick of typing them in so we filled out cards for them
  • Card People - I love you guys, so easy to just run cards, nothing can go wrong
  • Scatchy - these people are annoying, some can even go under the  LF category. They buy 1 or 3 scratch-off tickets and stand at the counter to scratch them. Then buy more, scratch more, buy more, win something, spend it all on scratch-offs, stand in the way, buy more and repeat. They make a mess with that starch-off dust all over the counter and floor. 
  • Office Player - they come in with a wide of dollar bills and a list of names, sometimes they have 20 cards filled out but only have one play on each card
  • Lottery Fucks or LF's - complete and total assholes. They take too long, they are never ready, they are never done, they play everyday, sometimes midday and evening numbers but come in twice just in case one of their numbers hit the midday, they spend too much money on stupid numbers, they believe they have a system or know some type of number secret. They are full of themselves and feel it's just to be waited on first instead of someone buying liquor. They can't wait but are not ready... They can play up to $10 of numbers to a million, the amount of money they spend isn't what classifies them as a LF, it's the amount of time they waste of my life and others in line that makes them a LF. They always claim I typed in a wrong number or did something wrong because I must be out to get their money. I hate you.
  • Poor LF's - they will claim I typed in a number wrong to get a refund and play a totally different number, usually they are just LF's
Ok so everyone hates LF's, so to cheer us up when one of them comes in we hum a little song that goes like this
"Lottery Fucks, Lottery Fucks
They ruin your dinner, They ruin your lunch"
It's in the tune of that old Kit Kat commercial, that goes 'Give me a break, Give me a break of that kit kat bar!' Never fails, when ever my order of a nice hot pizza arrives here comes a LF to waste 30+ minutes of my life and my pizza gets cold.

Do you call your local liquor store and ask for the most recent lottery numbers? If you said "yes of course, there isn't any other way in the whole wide world to get these numbers." Well you are a dumb ass, you can look it up online, call the lottery's auto phone line of recent numbers, watch the drawing on tv, watch the news, read a newspaper, stuff your head up your ass. Any of those ways are better then calling a store to ask a stupid question and waste our lives.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Credit or Debit?

Why did the person who invented the word 'debit' name it that? It should be something completely  different sounding than it's partner 'credit'. When I ask which you want half the time I can't hear your answer with people on their cell phone, people singing in the store, kids wanting candy, and the lottery fucks rambling off their numbers.

It's really not your fault, but please speak up. I will run your card through the a way you don't like it because I don't like repeating myself. I'm not the one whispering like it's a secret.

Older people usually have no idea what credit or debit is. Yes, I can clearly see that you have bank card and it has a Visa or MasterCard symbol on it, I see the name of your bank and also the word Debit. Just because those visa or MasterCard symbol is on your card does NOT make it a credit card. You will not get a bill at the end of the month where you can choose to pay a little or all, instead it'll come right out of you bank account. Why am I'm explaining this to you? Don't you have a bank you go to where people should be talking to you about this?

OMG does your bank charge you for using debit? OMG that is shocking! not really, please stop talking about how much you hate your current bank.

We have an a credit card machine sort of like this one
You can't run it through yourself like at those fancy grocery stores or Walmart. There's a pin pad for debit users located on the counter close to your right for your convenience. If you want credit and like to whisper it, DO NOT stand in front of the pin pad like you want to enter your pin number.

Now when you hand me your card I am going to hold onto your card until the piece of paper that says "Approved" pops out. There's very good reasons for me to hold onto your card
  1.  Sometimes our phone line will disconnect the transaction and I'll have to enter it again. I promise I'm not charging you twice, it's always been this way since the beginning of time. It's easier for me to run it again when it's in MY hand, rather then asking to see your card again that you already put away and also to take the time to tell you about how it disconnected.
  2. If I handed you your card back right away you might pick up your stuff and leave. I still need you sign. I still need to make sure it was approved. It might disconnect the transaction.
  3. I'm suppose to check to make sure this card is yours. I look at the back while you sign your slip to confirm the signature is sort of close.
Oh but your afraid I'll forget to give you back your card? Well out of my 11+ plus years of doing this job I've only forgotten twice out of millions of billions of transactions and both those times I can blame you - You wondered off before the 'approved' paper popped out.

I hold your card in my hand the whole time, it helps me to rip the paper slip off the machine in one clean sweep. You can hold your hand out the whole time, I don't care. If you asked for your card back, I'll say "In a moment, I'm not done with it."

When you hand me your card do not look around for something else to buy, your card is in progressed of being charged. I can't add stuff to a transaction already in progress. And NO I will not run your card again for a 25 cent slim jim or a pack of gum. You must spend at least $2 for me to slide your card.

C.I.D or Ask for ID is what some people write on the back of their cards. If this is you, why do you roll your eyes when I ask for you id? You put it there. And why do some of you, you won't hand me your id, you hold it out but you don't let me touch it. I'm lucky to have 20/20 vision, but please either hold it closer to where my eyes are on level or just hand me your ID. I don't want to keep it or get it dirty, I promise. I'm just trying to match the name on the card to your ID, that's what you want right?

Signature on the back of your card is blank. Hey did you know that I can refuse your card because of that? It says it right under that white box on you card 'not valid until signed'. Oh boy, I bet someone would love to find your card, they can sign it anyway they want and no one would say anything to them, it'll be legit theirs.

OMG your card declined!!!
"Why?" you ask
"Uh it said declined, I don't know why" aka - other then either you are a loser, you have very little money in the bank, you were at your limit, your bank sucks and you always have problems with you card. I don't know WHY your card declined, our little machine does NOT tell me anything about you and your life.

A long time ago, maybe 6 years a lady lost her credit card. She remembered the last place and time she used it. Of course it was at my store oh and I was on duty oh and I rang her up. The cops came to my work asked for who was working at such and such time and took me aside. WTF? They claimed I stole her card because it was being used later that same day. Lets look at the camera, we re-winded to that time of day she was in and sure enough there I was and I handed her card back right there on tape. I was apologized to by the officer right there.

Then there was the time we found a credit card stuck in the metal grids of the bottom of the exit door. We put it in our little lost and found and forgot about it. The next day a lady comes in saying "You kept my card!! You stole it!!" Whoa whoa there lady I don't want your money, "What is your name?" and I looked at the latest card in the lost and found and bingo it was her. She also apologized and thanked me a million times, especially after I told her where we found it.

It's amazing how you think I'm out to get you. I don't care about your money, all I want is what you owe the store and that you leave.

Singing while you shop

Today this guy comes into signing some r&b song. He sang loud and all through the store and up to my counter. I ignored him and told him his total then he stops signing and says
"What, you don't like my signing?"
 "Don't like anyone signing. Do you want debit or credit?"
 "I bet if I sang some Hank Williams you'd like that"
Oh ok this is a race thing now, I do not make eye contact or talk to him again. What a fucking racist fuck. It's very annoying when anyone is signing, yelling or talking loudly in the store. It's rude, just because it's a liquor store doesn't mean you act like it's your house. Your house is no where near as nice.

Cash Money

Cash money is the fastest way to pay...sometimes. Did you know that when you go into a store that you need money to purchase things you want? Whoa, it's just a concept that is too hard for some people. Here is how paying with cash can slow down time to a stand still.

Your total is lets say $9.99, I bet you have that 99 cents. Oh but it's not just at the bottom of your purse or in 5 different pockets of your coat, that change is outside in your car. You go get your change while I wait for you because getting back a penny in change is too much for you to bear. I hate you be the way.

Also if you are a 'I have the change' type people, if you can't count or you count way to slow, math is not your friend, please stop wasting my life or other peoples time.

Or your total is something like $10.75, in your hand you are holding a ten dollar bill, a twenty dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill, ok you got the money now give me that twenty...and then you say "I don't wanna break my twenty" First you'll look in your pockets for change, but no luck it's not enough, then you look at me and even ask me "Can you let me slide for 75 cents? It's just 75 cents anyway." Whoa there big baller, that's almost a dollar, "I work at a liquor store, you think I'm rich??" I respond "You have the money, so pay it or don't get it." I hate you very much. These people not only do this once, they do it every time. They also will ask the person behind them in line if they can spot them the change, you make me sick by the way.

Next there's always a bunch of people everyday who barely have enough to buy a signal can of beer. They pay with pennies, ash tray money and also money that looks like it was stolen from a wishing well, all corroded and dirty. These people also depend on the take a penny leave a penny tray to survive. Some of the regular take a penny dependers when I see them coming I'll empty out the tray into the register before they come up to the counter, sometimes if they see there is a lot of pennies in there they will go and get a bigger can of beer. That's NOT what the tray is for in my opinion, I'll probably go into that rant later.

Then there are the money spreaders, they will count out their money but lay it all over the counter in no order. This money is very hard to pick up and also these people usually keep it closer to there side of the counter which forces me to lean over to gather it up.

Money throwers, they'll throw their dollar bills towards you on the counter. In the summer we usually have a fan on somewhere and this money will fly away in mid-air. Also there are the people who hand the dollars to me like a normal human being would BUT they throw their change on the counter, any idiot knows when you throw coins onto a table it'll bounce or roll away.

Hidden money! You keep your money in your sock, or maybe your bra, or even in your underwear, you are so smart. If you got robbed the crook will never find your money....and I don't want to touch you money. I'll let you lay it down on the counter and count it with my eyes as you count it in your hand, then I'll hand you your change and say "Have a good one." When you turn to leave I'll take a paper bag and sweep your money into a cigar box for dirty money and extra rolls of change we keep under the counter.

Sweaty/wet money, gee thanks. I don't know why it's wet. I hope you fell into the water or went swimming earlier. Sometimes sweaty or wet money is hard to see but so easy to find when touching. After you hand it to me I'll throw it to the empty spot towards the right of the register for it to dry. Alright even if your money is dirty and gross, it's still money, it still buys stuff congrats to you by the way.

The correct way to hand me money is that you hand me your money the same way you would want me to hand you your change. Yes, it's that easy! You can do it, I have lost faith in most people but at least 50% of you know what you are doing. I can't wait till I snap and start throwing money at people the way they so-call 'hand it' to me.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


I like to yell at people doing things wrong. I like that other people look at you, they almost break their necks to see you. It makes you feel pretty stupid doesn't it? Oh lol, you are such a low life, everyone come look at this loser trying to steal.

I don't care how big you are, or what color you are, or how old you are, if I see you trying to steal something I am going to confront you. I'm not like most other clerks that wait for you to approach the counter or the exit door. What I like to do is watch you on the camera and then with my outside voice yell at you to put whatever it is back and leave the store. You look up in surprised and even have a look on your face like "is she yelling at me?" and then I say "I can see you on the camera, leave now before I call the police." That's my favorite way of doing it.

A huge fat black man was in the vodka isle and yelled up to us "Where is your rum?" We answered him "Next isle on the right." "OOh ok" he says, then he grabbed a fifth of vodka and jammed it down his sweat pants. What's funny is he pointed himself out to us by asking us a question and I looked at the camera to see where the rum isle was for him.
"You can put that back and get out of the store!" I yell.
"Who me???"
"Yeah you, I see you on the camera."
"Oh shit" as he pulls the vodka outta his pants and puts it back on the shelf.
It was a Saturday afternoon, the store had at least 20 people walking around at the time and all 20 of them were looking at him.

That's the fastest, easiest and safest way to deal with stealing.

Sometimes I let myself almost get into trouble, these people make me so mad. There was a display of Philly Blunts sort of in front of one of the registers. I saw this tall skinny black kid pick up the display and put in under his coat. I jumped over the counter and blocked the exit door and yelled "Put it back!!"
"Put what back??"
"The blunts under your coat, do it and get the hell out"
He did and left, he had 3 friends with him that were all laughing at him

Then there are times it gets bad. 2 women who looked like they slept in the gutter came in. They wanted a six-pack of beer. One used her credit card, it declined so her friend gave me her credit card so the other lady took the beer and waited in the car, but then her friend's card declined...then she ran out the door. So I jumped the counter and ran out the door too. By the time I get out the door their car is starting to move, I slapped one of the car's windows and yelled "You fucking pieces of shit trash!!" and then grabbed onto their radio antenna and bent it all up as it went through my hand. Yeah...sometimes I go a little overboard but it's exciting at the same time.

Sometimes you never know what you will do in a situation until it happens. You might tell yourself you are the type that thinks things out, that you always play it safe. Lol, you never know until it happens in my opinion.

Then the wtf happened? A young looking boy comes in, he looked maybe 20, his eyes were huge, he had to be doing some drugs. He was so spaced out we watched him on camera walking down every isle and picking up things until his arms where full. Then he turned towards the door and started walking a bit faster, but his fast walk was like a zombie running with cold stiff legs. The cooler boy and I ran outside and caught up to him, he started to hand somethings back to the cooler boy but he wouldn't let go of a half gallon of Captain Morgan that I had my hand on. He jumped into an awaiting running car that was backed into a space. I held on and the car started moving along with Captain Morgan, I heard it make a clink sound as the boy's arm snapped back and hit the car, along with my elbow. I hope that bottle cracked in the car, they made off with it and left me with a rug burn like wound on my elbow. The cops were called and a search was on for then, about 2 weeks later the boy's picture appears in newspaper under the obituaries, he died of a drug overdose was the rumor.

Cell Phones

I hate people on their cell phones. I do not know if you are talking to me or the person on the line. I have given up on guessing, I do not care that your baby's daddy has a rash on his balls, I do not care if your mom is in the hospital and might die tonight. Why are you saying these things out loud in front of strangers? What is wrong with you?

So I ignore you during your whole transaction. I say your total very loudly. If you take too long to get your money out because you are trying to hold your phone I'll push your stuff aside and wait on the next customer. I do not make eye contact with you because you might want something else and try to point at the massive wall of pints and halves behind me that you want or even try to mouth the words of something. If you want something else you are going to have to speak to me like a human being.

Here are some options that you should do if you are in a store and your cell phone rings
  1. Hit the silent button and do not answer it
  2. Go outside
  3. Answer and say to the caller: "I'm in a store I'll call you back in 1 minute" or even "Hold on a minute
Here are some of things customers do:
  1. On the phone the whole time while in the store
  2. Drop things because they can't hold a case of beer and a phone at the same time
  3. Tell the person they are talking to "Sorry I'm at the counter" (they should be apologizing to me)
  4. Point to things they want
  5. Try to whisper or mouth the words of a Half Pint of Popov
  6. Talk way to loud and make it hard for me to hear anyone
  7. Talk about things I do not want to know about
  8. Are way too slow
You people make me sick and I hate you. The worst customer while on his cell phone held up his hand and with his index finger and gave me the "1 moment" sign. I pushed his stuff to the side and refused to wait on him. There was a long line behind him and since he didn't want the person he was talking to know he was in a store he couldn't say or do anything about it. Everyone else was very happy to have my attention, they want to leave and go have lives and not listen to some jerk talk on his phone.

I'm planning on solving this pet peeve by ordering a hand held cell phone jammer. Takes 30 days to ship but I believe it's worth the wait. You can walk into the store while on your phone, but don't even try to approach my counter.

Open for business

Welcome to the Liquor Store Clerk's blog. This is where you will read the horrors of my life's work. I have been working as a liquor store clerk for 12 years now. I'm planning on posting many of my liquor store stories of adventure, rants, lottery fucks, and customers from hell and heaven.

A little about me, I take your money and put your stuff in a bag and say "Have a good one." That's all.

My responsibilities include, counting money, bagging, stocking, cleaning up after you, listening to you, helping you, making sure your envirnment is safe, putting up with your smell, pretending I'm happy, following state laws, protecting your children from purchasing alcohol, security, psychologist, mind reader, your best friend, and your nightmare. That's all I could think of for now.

A little about my store, we sell liquor, beer and wine. It's American owned. It's one of the largest in my area.

Have a good one.